Daily Theory on Daily Theory

Mil,
Maybe the Beatles were right - sometimes happiness IS a warm gun. Particularly when you’re at a Dairy queen on the West side of Chicago held hostage by a baseball fanatic trying to come down from a three-day meth binge.

After Wednesday’s game between the Angels and the White Sox’s, BOSS put me on bodyguard duty for home plate umpire Doug Eddings. On the way to O’Hare, Doug insisted on stopping at Dairy Queen for a freakin’ Blizzard. I knew some putz in a ‘94 Dodge Neon had been following us for several miles but I didn’t think he’d actually try and make a move. When we pulled into the drive-thru, the guy starts rear-ending our car. Doug freaks out and starts reciting some Robert Bly poem about beating on drums in the woods or something. Then the dip-shit Dodge Neon guy starts blaring his horn.

When I roll down the driver’s side window to order Doug’s blizzard, the guy gets out and starts heading for the car. Long story short, it turns out Dodge Neon dude’s been on a meth binge since Wednesday’s game. According to little buddy, Doug was the anti-Christ and needed to be shuttled to Ophra Winfrey’s Television studio to deliver his message to the world. Doug was really freakin’ out at this point, so I showed the dip shit my glock and things calmed down quick.

When we finally arrived at the airport and got on the plane, things weren’t much better. From first class, you could hear people hissing from the back of the plane. I gave Doug my ipod (the same one you stole from Kate Moss) and some night quill caplets and ten minutes later he was sleeping like a baby.

In case you get grilled next week in Chicago: Doug was born on September 14, 1968 in Las Cruces, New Mexico where he currently resides. He attended New Mexico State University and started umpiring Little League games at the age of 14. He enjoys skeet shooting, working out on his Bow-Flex and riding motorcycles. Before he passed out on the plane, he told me he always wanted to be a Secret Service agent. I wonder if this changes anything...?

Love,
Cash