Thursday, September 30, 2004

Typically Unusual events @:
Sting/Annie Lenox Concert at the Hollywood Bowl last night.

1.Annie Lenox looked suspiciously like Sting’s wife
2.The actual age of a British rock star is proportionate to the number of talented Black back up singers you have covering for your strained voice.
3.Sting is NOT the Police
4.Raising money for Cancer is not why people go to rock concerts
5.British rock stars reminding Americans to vote is not why people go to rock concerts
6.Cheers to the person sitting next to me whose inner monologue went something like, “I don’t know this song, so I’ll proceed to talk loudly and disturb everyone around me. Who haven’t I called on my cell phone?”
7.The only time the crowd got on its feet was during the Sting’s Car Commercial song.
8.No pot smoking. None.
9.$35 parking lots were completely packed.
10.Full Moon. No fights.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Least..I still gots da Hummer...

Lauri Moshkowitz wasn’t set on leaving her husband even after she discovered he had been sleeping with their 65-year-old Panamanian housekeeper. However, after three months of weekly Pilates support group sessions, Lauri mustered enough courage to take the house, the 401K nest egg and the family’s TIVO.

Unfortunately, Dan Moshkowitz was drinking buddies with the family attorney, allowing him to secure both the leased Hummer and their 13 year old son Andre. Andre, fed up with the internal divorce war, vandalized the family’s Hummer, placing blame on a new radical environmental organization he had joined at school.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Corky was a man of baseball superstition.

Every movement was part of a larger pattern that he had set up for himself. The line between order and obsessive-compulsive had grown thin. Not just Ethiopian thin, but "dash to the Shopping Mall Restroom and Vomit" thin.

It you take all the years that Corky spent trying to write the great American screenplay, then multiply that number by ten and divide by the number of persons in the coffee shop at 2:15 every Tuesday, he had the pick 3 lottery in Washington State EVERYTIME! This discovery kept Corky from ever finishing anything artistic over the years..

Offsetting the pick 3 winnings was the long and dangerous drive up Highway 1 to Washington's Lottery Claims center outside Tacoma. On the way home from Seattle's sister city, after winning pick three for the eighth straight time, Corky ended up in a car accident that brought him back to square one financially. No health insurance really sucks. He broke every bone in his body. Miraculously, his Carb count and cholesterol levels remained untarnished.

When he got out of the hospital, Corky soon discovered the coffee shop had gone out of business. He was down on his luck. Something had to give.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Bumper stickers that seperate us from the animals:

Bumper sticker on the 405 South Bound stalled traffic freeway this morning with my morning coffee:

"Drum machines have no soul."

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Rodney Dangerfield is in a coma...

Cat Stevens gets mistaken as a Terrorist..

The FOMC raised interest rates .25%

What else could go wrong today?

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Hurricane Ivan will be kissing the Mississippi River tonight....

Had to make note with the third hurricane in three weeks on the way.

Alabama, Florida, and Mississippi are hardest hit as the Mississippi River kisses lips with hurricane Ivan at its banks. The Mississippi could flow in reverse as tornadoes colliding off the eye of the storm into a total apocalyptic Haiti scenario. Back in early September and late August respectively, Hurricanes tried to shake the nations consciousness. But this time it's not just Florida. Though my blood runs thick into Tallahassee and Appalachicola, slightly West of Jeb's state seems to be feeling the brunt of this one.

The Southern romanticized hurricane death parties blare to a red southern culture still suffocated from the Jimmy Carter era, but The radio and national T.V. continue to get the natural disaster story wrong.

The coverage tries to emulate the "fateful" disasters of 9-11 as election season runs in tandem. The candidates cross their fingers and attempt to beat each other till death a victor is won. If I was a gambling man (and I'm really not) the hurricane has got to play favorite to Bush. If voter machines don't get fixed on account of a national disaster, it would just be "meant to be."

And this is not the last tactic up the Republicans sleeve.

Bin Laden has been hiding in Tucson Arizona in a minimal security facility, keeping an open bar tab on Sunday nights at the colorful Hacienda Hotel. He will be getting the call from his new American "cell" shortly to appear "captured" by American forces in Casablanca. If the Republicans don't have Reagan anymore at least they can create an American Hollywood capture story.

And though we haven't seen it yet, don't count out cloning in election 2008 if Republican dream team McCaine and Guliani have anything to do with it. Contrary to NPR belief, Hillary and the Democrats will be the first to introduce cloning to the Democratic agenda. Stem cell research will seem like a volcano baking soda experiment, financed by GE, in a pledge to wipe out the national debt.

The hurricane festivities have begun and we will never see a reality show come close to the parties that are being held right now on the sacred dirts of Biloxi Mississippi and Tescumbia Alabama.

Real life can't be cloned.

In short, here's the article:
“…'s for people who want to make a statement."

AND WHAT Statement would that be?

1.I'm an asshole

2.You are nothing.

3.I vote for bush

4.I hate the environment

5.I hate everyone

6.I have a small penis

7.You have a small penis

8.I'm rich and you're not

9.The only people that can see me are truckers and people on public buses

10."I am successful..I am very successful..and I am better than other people. All others are weak and they deserve to be so."

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Top ten reasons I hate 9-11 "Patriots Day" (2 days later)
1. Everyone has a story
2. Anger is only an option if you're a redneck
3. It has nothing to do with being a Patriot. The Patriots are just a football team in New England
4. I can't live in denial
5. I can't live in Paris
6. I can't go to the Sudan, Israel or Kuwait
7. Commemorative coins in the back of magazines
8. Flags. American Ones.
9. The word hero
10. It's an unofficial official holiday. I predict in two years there will be a 9-11 going out of business sale, a 9-11 blowout mattress sale and a midnight madness shop til you drop.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

This just in from EBAY:

EBAY item straight from the lips of Brittany Spears into your home. But act now. This bid won't last forever. And who know how long she'll be smoking?

In other news, three letter words turns Scrabble into Scandel

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

In another banking career he was the town boozer. In this lifetime, underneath the Irish roots of Flatbush Avenue Brooklyn and beyond the trappings of romanticized drinking, John O'Connor stood alone. I hadn't seen him in 6 years. Our last meeting was on a rainy November night at Fordham College for a musical rendition of The Micada. Most the evening entailed discussing his continued marijuana habit, impotency, and his tour de France glory days ride in the summer of 1987. Last I heard he's working in finance somewhere in Chicago, still chasing the banking career, talking to himself in blank alley ways, along the cold sweeps of Lake Michigan.

After the barista at the java shop stamped my third completed coffee card this afternoon, it occurred to me there is a fine line between being a creature of habit and suffering from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

I knew this dude once...

Toby's dream job finally became a reality last week. Contrary to popular perception, being the Manager of a Pep Boys at the age of 27 was no small task, even to an Indian kid like himself growing up in East L.A. Despite the rigorous demands, the job had more benefits than most people might imagine. Price cuts on mud flaps, decals and oil changes, (along with 30% family discount) tended to cushion the blow of any wage imbalance off the front end. In another world, twelve bucks an hour might seem low. But the cost always underweighted the price for Toby. Especially when it came to chain steering wheels and showing chicks how to fix stuff. Yes, there were other jobs. There were even other professions. But these prospects were short lived and more often than not resulted in Toby at a bar three hours later murmuring to anyone that would listen, "It's been real, it's been fun. But it ain't been real fun." You would be hard pressed to meet anyone that could blame him.

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