Sunday, October 30, 2005


In other news, "Bling Bling" gets props...

In addition to being added to the Oxford English Dictionary, linguists announced on Friday that the term Bling-Bling (used to describe diamonds, jewelry and all forms of showy style) will be inducted into the White People Appropriation Hall of Fame (WPAHF). Both the NASDAQ and Dow Jones Industrial average were encouraged by the announcement, edging up by the closing bell.

As a result of the induction, starting Monday, the word "BLING BLING" will receive an official permit to infiltrate itself into every aspect of white mainstream culture.

"The opportunities for this word are endless," say's BLING-BLING's agent, Larry Leatherman, "There are essentially no limits to where Bling-Bling can go. Our plan is to use the word in Detergent Commercials, half hour sitcoms aimed at conservative white households, and even cartoons. In a few months, the notion that Bling-Bling was coined by Cash Money Millionaires back in the late '90s will be a thing of the past."

Bling-Bling will join the ranks of such black phrases appropriated into white culture as:

You go girl…
Get Jiggy with it..
Go (fill in name)…it's your birthday

Friday, October 28, 2005


Cash almost gets stuck with the bill....

Todd Grossman, our distinguished colleague, decided to stick me with the bar bill while on assignment in St. Mathews Kentucky last weekend.

All I mentioned was an intelligence report from BOSS stating that Harriet Miers was going to turn down the supreme court nomination this week. Next thing I know he starts hollering, "I'll be damned if I'm going be stuck down in Texas for another three years doing security surveillance for one of Bush's cronies..."

When I got back from the men's room he was gone. Luckily the bar tender had his back to me so I was able to slip out the back door.

I guess this job ain't for everyone. Especially when you have to mess with Texas...

If you mispell "sincerely," are you still being sincere?

Thursday, October 20, 2005


A depressed economy in need of Prozac, Cash offers a viable alternative...

All indicators point to the following:
1. The Fed will continue to raise interest rates
2. Wage growth is at historical lows
3. Personal debt levels are at record highs
4. Gas prices continue to tread in record territory
5. Home heating costs continue to climb
6. Starting in 2006, federal law will require minimums to go up on credit cards.

What does all this mean?

Essentially consumer spending (71% of GDP growth) will disappear quicker than the heroin stash in Pete Doherty's guitar case. The only Companies expected to benefit from this economic shit-storm in the next 14 to 18 months are liquor companies and bible salesmen.

What can YOU do to quell this economic Armageddon?

More frequent than the Olympics and less common than Thanksgiving - Starting December 25, 2005 Christmas will be celebrated once ever three years.

You heard me Carmen. Pedro ain't getting crap for Christmas this year.

Any takers, I can be reached at the Cathedral City titty bar behind Wal-Mart

Cash Frock..

Monday, October 17, 2005


"America is a vast conspiracy to make you happy..." - John Updike


In our line of work, we are trained to help contain certain atrocities:

A coup d'etat here…

An assassination attempt there…

But when BOSS assigns you to baby-sit a 16-year old in the desert for a week, no training in the world prepares you for a scenario where a sports writer rigs a golf tournament.

As I'm sure you already know, Michelle Wie was disqualified from the Samsung World Championship in her first tournament as a professional and I can’t help but feel responsible.

I fly out from Ontario this afternoon to deal with the fallout from this weekend’s Nazi rally in Toledo. Wish me luck. I’m going to need it…


Friday, October 14, 2005


Cash gets Doug Edding's Back...

Maybe the Beatles were right - sometimes happiness IS a warm gun. Particularly when you’re at a Dairy queen on the West side of Chicago held hostage by a baseball fanatic trying to come down from a three-day meth binge.

After Wednesday’s game between the Angels and the White Sox’s, BOSS put me on bodyguard duty for home plate umpire Doug Eddings. On the way to O’Hare, Doug insisted on stopping at Dairy Queen for a freakin’ Blizzard. I knew some putz in a ‘94 Dodge Neon had been following us for several miles but I didn’t think he’d actually try and make a move. When we pulled into the drive-thru, the guy starts rear-ending our car. Doug freaks out and starts reciting some Robert Bly poem about beating on drums in the woods or something. Then the dip-shit Dodge Neon guy starts blaring his horn.

When I roll down the driver’s side window to order Doug’s blizzard, the guy gets out and starts heading for the car. Long story short, it turns out Dodge Neon dude’s been on a meth binge since Wednesday’s game. According to little buddy, Doug was the anti-Christ and needed to be shuttled to Ophra Winfrey’s Television studio to deliver his message to the world. Doug was really freakin’ out at this point, so I showed the dip shit my glock and things calmed down quick.

When we finally arrived at the airport and got on the plane, things weren’t much better. From first class, you could hear people hissing from the back of the plane. I gave Doug my ipod (the same one you stole from Kate Moss) and some night quill caplets and ten minutes later he was sleeping like a baby.

In case you get grilled next week in Chicago: Doug was born on September 14, 1968 in Las Cruces, New Mexico where he currently resides. He attended New Mexico State University and started umpiring Little League games at the age of 14. He enjoys skeet shooting, working out on his Bow-Flex and riding motorcycles. Before he passed out on the plane, he told me he always wanted to be a Secret Service agent. I wonder if this changes anything...?


Thursday, October 13, 2005


This just in...

A handwritten, working manuscript of one of Beethoven's most revolutionary works had been rediscovered after 115 years by a librarian in Pennsylvania. Sotheby's experts have put an estimate on the lot of between 1.7 million and 2.6 million dollars.

In an attempt to secure the manuscript, David Hasselhoff has elected to purchase it outright for 10 million dollars. With the exception of his charity work in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, as shown below in this publicity shot:
Hasselhoff has been out of the public eye for sometime.
“By not coming in as an anonymous bidder, this gets me back in the public eye,” says the Television icon. “And who knows, maybe by me owning some of his work, people will be a little more interested in Beethoven. Did you know he was deaf?”

Monday, October 10, 2005


Cash runs into John Daly at the Four Seasons San Francisco...

I ran into John Daly last night at the Four Seasons Hotel Bar in San Francisco. Before last night, I wouldn't call myself a golf fan, but after listening to the guy's life story till 2AM, I now have a renewed appreciation. In short, Mr. Daly's life is a series of misunderstood Greek tragedies strung together by Pall Mall cigarettes. In case Michelle didn't fill you in - Daly missed a short par putt on the second playoff hole to give Tiger Woods his fourth AmEx Championship. In short -the man choked.

Despite John's obsessive compulsive tendency to have a vodka tonic "ready to go" after every Van Halen song he presets to the juke box, he really is a sweet guy. Last night however his sweetness was offset by vicious threats to the bartender to keep all sports highlight shows off the TV. When I left the hotel this morning to catch my plane back to LA, Daly was stretched out on the valet curb, harassing hotel guests and singing muddled excerpts from, "Running with the Devil." The guy's in a bad way, and I can only hope he gets the help he needs.

Tell Michelle good luck on her driver's license this week. Hope to see you soon.


Wednesday, October 05, 2005


Driving Miss Wie...


What do you think a golf prodigy does for fun? My new assignment requires I be Miss Wie's personal chauffer until she gets her driving license (she's six day's shy of her 16th birthday).

In the meantime, the world of golf will change forever. At 8 a.m. here in Honolulu, Michelle is to announce that she is relinquishing her amateur status. This means she can sign major deals with Nike and Sony for $10 million per year starting today.

We’re staying at the Four Seasons through tomorrow and then it's off to Maui on Friday.

I’ll keep you posted…


Tuesday, October 04, 2005


Cash and Mildred swap Greenspan Stories...

Greenspan’s never been the same since the Harvard Business School Cookout on Martha's Vineyard two years ago. It was right after the dot com bust and these three fresh out MBA grads were giving him shit all night while gloating on and on about their personal economic theories. After two relentless hours and four bottles of top shelf whiskey, Alan just snapped. Can't say I blame him. Though he politlely excused himself, ten minutes later, he was on a private plane back to D.C., compliments of Ted Kennedy. Greenspan never forgot about those pricks. All three ended up working as account payable clerks for a glass manufacturer outside of Des Moines. Sometimes justice gets served.



I really wish the press would stop pegging Alan Greenspan as a wash up. The world’s more complex than just black and white.

What Greenspan and the rest of those FOMC folks have to accomplish, I wouldn’t wish on anyone. When consumer confidence nosedives, economic growth slows more than expected, and you STILL have to contain inflation - things can get murky (not to mention the pain in the ass of dealing with global competition to keeps prices in balance).

The trick for Greenspan will be how to amend inflation/imbalances without causing a major disruption in the US/Global economy. It’s like having to coach the New Orleans Saints to a super bowl - Everyone’s rooting for them, but no one knows exactly how to pull it off with such a sorry group of players.

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