Wednesday, June 29, 2005


Mildred crosses the Ohio...

Boss called off the Bin Laden search early this morning. Just the reason I needed to get the hell out of Kings Island, Ohio. As for nearby Cincinnati, any city beloved to Pete Rose , hated by Larry Flint, and elects Jerry Springer as mayor can't be all bad.

Traffic was nearly a stand-still into Covington. Fortunately, I was able to catch the Reds post game radio show to help quell the rush hour crawl. If all goes well, I'll get a flight to LA sometimes tonight. Cincinatti's airport is in Kentucky if you can believe it. I'll be in contact when I land in L.A.


Monday, June 27, 2005


Chris Collingsworth won't let Mildred rest with the woman's golf...


I can't take it anymore. Last night Chris kept me up at the bar until 2AM on the state of woman's golf...

"A 23 year old woman named Birdie winning the US Open? You can't buy that kind of publicity. Sure, Michelle still steals the show, but if her gig goes South there's a movie career in Hong Kong waiting for her..."

And on and on..he went. You get the idea. Looking forward to getting the hell out of here. Sport Media is nothing but pimps.



Mildred fears her cover is blown...


When you're trying to weed out terrorism there's nothing worse than running into these guys at the Kingsluxury Inn. It turns out that starting this week, FOX media is using the hotel for their annual corporate boondoggle.

Based on what I've seen so far, all they do at these events is drink tequila and put on self-gratifying power point presentations. The middle one tends to slobber a lot and can't stop yapping about the recent popularity of woman's golf. Of course that might be the tequila talking.

I told them I'm covering the ATP Tennis Championships in Cincinnati, but with all the Wimbledon TV coverage this weekend, I think they're a getting a little suspicious. Might be time to move on before I blow my cover...

Hope you're well..


Saturday, June 25, 2005


French verse from writer Michel Houellebecq:

Michel Houllebecq stumbled into LA last week. Many critics are hailing the controversial French writer as the greatest literary figure to come out of France since Camus.

Some memorable Houellebecq quotes include:

"Anything can happen in life, especially nothing."

and if that wasn't French enough for you...

"It is in our relations with other people that we gain a sense of ourselves; it's that, pretty much, that makes relations with other people unbearable."

not to be out Frenched by:

"Life is painful and disappointing…we generally know where we stand in relation to reality and don't care to know anymore. Humanity, such as it is, inspires only an attenuated curiosity in us."

Thursday, June 23, 2005


and now the weather...

Doppler 5,000's 10-day forecast shows no end to the “kidnapping season!”

A rash of kidnapping continue to pound it’s way into full media coverage for most of the United States. With the "Run Away Bride" kicking off the season in April (the fraud), the Aruba High School blonde kidnapping in May (the real deal), and the recent Boy Scout in the Utah wilderness (the good news) - there seems to be no end in sight.

As earthquake season wraps up in California and kidnappings eventually decline, we will begin to see hurricane season emerge. Doppler 5,000 projects that in early August Al Roker will interview a man of questionable character named Dale that most wouldn’t invite home for Chicken. Doppler anticipates that Dale will board his house up with make shift plywood and proceed to sit on his dock and get shit faced with neighbors until the hurricane passes. At some point during the interview, Al will inquire, "Will you ever leave?" This will be followed by a sentimental, "this is the only home I”ve known" moment. Housewives and Insurance brokers all over the country will be spitting scones in their coffee with horror. "What a complete dumbass…" they will say.

Doppler anticipates that hurricane season and other disasters of equal destruction will make the American public eventually forget the rampage of kidnappings in the last three months. If the public remembers anything, it will be that the person kidnapped deserved it and had it coming in the first place.

Hurricane season should sputter out around November. If by then you are thinking about anything but the holidays and what will be the new IPOD stocking stuffer,the media didn’t care for your demographic in the first place.

You’re been listening to the Doppler 5000 Media Weather Forecast. We now return you to our regularly scheduled program.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


In other developments...

Leonardo DiCaprio has filed a police report over an attack at a Hollywood party given by Paris Hilton’s ex boyfriend, Rick Saloman. According to party goers Saloman could be heard screaming from the front yard, “DiCaprio or no DiCaprio, Vicodin in the bathroom medicine cabinet STAYS in the bathroom medicine cabinet."

Monday, June 20, 2005


Mildred writes from Kings Island, Ohio...


Without giving out too much information, as a result of Porter Goss’s announcement today (see below), Boss has me on assignment at the Kingsluxury Inn in Kings Island, Ohio.

Sunday afternoon I got a lead on chatter activity about 50 miles north in Delaware Ohio at the Sciota Downs racetrack, but the lead went dry. Still waiting for further intelligence instructions.

In the meantime, I'm having fun checking out the digs. The hotel community surrounding Kings Island is not unlike six flags just north of LA. On the food spectrum, the only addition that I can recommend is cracker barrel. Here’s the hotel where I’m staked out:

Besides the occasional undercover CIA agent, the hotel is an endless abyss of sugar-activated kids, trailed by a tired line of defeated parents. Occasionally I get conversation from adults that are able to lock their kids in their rooms at night and seek out a nightcap. Unfortunately, you get three cans of Coors in them and most just spill their guts on money woes or strategies on debt refinancing or second and third mortgages.

Did you know it cost $50 bucks for admission to Kings Island Amusement park? Blame it on inflation...

Hope you're well,


Wednesday, June 15, 2005


Cash turns down American Express...


Can Michael Jackson be the John Gotti of child molestation, the Teflon Don of Pedophilia?

Which reminds me…

I got an offer from American Express in the mail. They tell me if I sign up, Delta Airlines will give me 15,000 Delta Miles, bringing my total miles to 27,558 (how do they know my balance?). With 27,558 I would be eligible for a domestic round trip flight.

On the brochure for the offer it reads, "Where to Cash Frock? "You can travel anytime anywhere, because on Delta there are no blackout dates." So I flip through the brochure to the footnotes and in fine print it says, "Although Sky miles program blackout dates have been eliminated, Award seat available is limited and seats may not be available on all flights or in all markets. Especially during peak travel periods. Blackout dates may apply and are defined by individual partner carrier."

Well enough about me and my real-life version of truth posing as semantical bullshit...

How's the roommate? New assignment yet? Hope you can get out here soon while all the TV producers are still on vacation.


Cash Frock

Tuesday, June 14, 2005


This just in...

Morgan Stanley CEO Philip Cobb said Monday he plans to retire from the Wall Street investment bank amid calls for his ouster from dissident shareholders and former executives. Cobb appeared upbeat at the press conference, deflecting insinuations from reporters that doing coke with Scores girls the night before the AOL-Time Warner merger was necessarily a bad thing.

Monday, June 13, 2005


It's the Ritalin talking…


I've been walking on eggshells all week up here in Westchester. Needless to say I'm stuck with a roommate named Lillian at the Westchester youth hostile. As a result of her hyper active tendencies I've retreated to playing bridge at the local country club to pass time. You wouldn't believe the bridge players here. They like their gin, love to speculate on Martha Stewart, and only drive Cadillacs.

Lillian's most famous contribution to society was founding the "I'm addicted To My Child's Ritalin Anonymous" Westchester Support Group (commonly referred to as IATMCRA).

Best friend and bridge teammate Fran McAllister recalls that before (IATMCRA) Lillian was nothing short of a lethargic wallowing slob. Since the Ritalin took hold, apparently she's a completely different person.

Aside from her family leaving town and leaving her destitute, she really seems to be taking it all quite well. My only major peeve is that she tends to change the subject 20 times in a 5-minute conversation while continuing to vacuum the entire 40 x 80 double suite we share. Sometimes, she'll start talking about something as benign as dishwashing soap and before you know it, she splinters off into a lecture on the historically violent "form over function" feud in coin design that plagued pre-European Union Europe in 1980s.

Since I've been staying with her, usally the Ritalin wears off around 10PM, just as Knot's Landing reruns come on TV. Winding down for Lillian entails ranting off countless statistics on crimes and resolving closure on any fixation she started that day (like when "pilates" officially became a word).

Many nights, the evening settles with her conspiracy theory rant involving Sunday paper coupons. "Contrary to what most women think in Westchester, coupons were designed for people to loose money." She has gloated this twice already this week and it's only Tuesday. Sometimes the rants and tangents go on for hours and keeps me from sleeping. The skinny is that I'm tired, and eager to get out of the roommate situation. I look forward to being back in LA at the tail end of June gloom. How responsive was Channel 7 to your letter?


Tuesday, June 07, 2005


Cash writes a letter to Channel 7 News

Dear Program Manager,

First off, I wanted to personally commend Channel 7 for the "Are the knock off designer hand bags you're buying on the street being used to fund terrorism?" piece that aired last week. As a now informed citizen, I have begun compiling a black list of over 100 possible hand bag suspects in the great Los Angeles County area. When I forward my completed list to the CIA in the next few weeks, I'll be sure to cc you on the memo.

Last night as a teaser to your 11 o'clock newscast, footage was shown of a pimped up 86 Honda civic running over the body of a human being. Most impressive was Channel 7's ability to provide surround sound quality to the victim's collar bone being smashed by the steel belted radial tires of the vehicle.

Now I know where you might think I'm going with this letter. Contrary to what you might think, I'm not here to inudate you with the typical, "What possible journalistic value do you provide your viewers by showing this horrific act?" Instead, I'd like to suggest to your station an exclusive regarding a similar act scheduled to take place tonight in El Segundo. I'm quite confident it will boost ratings nothing short of the Phil Spector coverage your station aired last year.

In short, the incident will have all the gory footage of the Honda Civic incident, but in addition will shed light on possible corruption surrounding the mayoral race here in LA. If a reporter can meet me behind the bowling alley off the 105 in El Segundo at 10:30 tonight, you'll have your gruesome story.

Look forward to hearing from you...

Cash Frock

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