Daily Theory on Daily Theory

Exxon, the world's largest publicly traded oil company by market value, announced a quarterly (Sept. 30th 2005 - Dec. 31, 2005) profit of $9.92 billion (up from $8.42 billion for the same three - month period a year ago).

That's $80,842 dollars profit per minute

For the entire year of 2005, Exxon earned $36.1 billion profit.

According to the LA Times, this is equal to the combined gross domestic product of:

Iceland, Jordan, and Uzbekistan.

It can also buy:

131
Airbus 555-passenger A380 jets

72,990
Median priced homes in Los Angeles County

281,440
Hummer H1 Alphas

3,345,370
one-year health insurance policies for a family of four

5,555,040
Students' annual registration fees at UCLA

12,000,000,000
MTA Day Passes

15,460,000,000
Gallons of self-serve regular gasoline

After cleaning out his desk and erasing suspect emails, Alan Greenspan was determined to finished up one last piece of lingering business that has long left the experts stumped.

At 9:00 AM, Mr. Greenspan announced a new market value methodology geared specifically for real estate investment in Los Angeles County. To the applause of Wall Street analyst everywhere, Mr. Greenspan proposed,

"The value of Los Angeles County residential properties is proportionate to the number of Pilate studios less the number of Tai Massage Parlors in a three mile radius..."

LEXINGTON, Ky. - The wife of pro golfer John Daly has reported to prison for a five-month sentence on a federal charge involving a drug ring and an illegal gambling operation.

Prosecutors say the two-time major champion didn't know about his wife's activities, which took place between 1996-02.

John met Sherrie (wife #4) at a tournament in Memphis, Tenn., in 2001 and married her seven weeks later.

Yesterday Daly played out of his head, shotting a 69 in the first round of the Buick Open.

Mildred,

Last Monday night I got stuck working intelligence at the Golden Globes. Even with all the chatty conversation, not a bad gig.

Highlights:

When Abu-Assad returned to his celebrity filled table all anyone could say was how passe Kabala had become in the last six months.

George Clooney remained fixated on his kneecaps while twiddling his thumbs and slowly explaining to Mickey Rourke the benefits of investing money in a Kentucky boot leg bourbon operation.

Robert Altman was downing scotch faster than Bob Dylan.

Nicholas Cage kept comparing John Daly to Truman Capote. I counted five times he said to five different people in the course of three hours, "John Daly is the living version of Truman Capote. Exact same person...just a golf club instead of a pen."

Spielberg drank a lot of coffee while Tom Hanks kept quizzing everyone at the table on how much goggle stock they owned.

Sean Penn was so belligerent they had to keep him at the private bar on the Theater's roof. The joke was, "He preferred hanging out with the snipers."

With the exception of hanging out with Harper Lee, just another Monday night in Los Angeles.

Cash Frock

Bringing new meaning to the phrase, "You'll never work in this town again," the award overwhelmingly goes to Abu Assad for winning best Foreign Film at the 63rd Annual Golden Globes for "Paradise Now."

In his acceptance speech, Abu-Assad thanked Warner Independent Pictures for "having the courage to distribute the film in America" and told the Hollywood-elite packed theater that the film demonstrated that "the Palestine people deserve their freedom and liberation unconditionally".

Mildred,

Monterey Park is not anything it's cracked up to be. Come to think of it, Monterey Park was never really cracked up to be anything except maybe decent Chinese food at 3AM.

Long story short, I spent nine hours of my existence today in corporate purgatory listening to the gospel according to the US Patriot Act. Security at the facility made Israel's procedures seem as lax as Cleveland cops cracking down on nitrous tanks at a Dead Show.

Taking the red neon induced rush hour traffic home, I dropped a co-worker off in Century City before making the southwest pilgrimage to the Pacific Ocean. One thing about bumping and grinding down and nasty with traffic for two straight hours: Screw pedestrians! Drivers are people too. That they don't kill more people is nothing short of grace from God.

Hope you are well. January moves quickly if you're not careful.

Love,

Cash

Brokeback Mountain is probably going to win an award...

"Liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them..."
- Lenny Bruce-

5 good reasons to purchase an ACW alarm system:

1 out of 5 homes will experience a burglary, fire, or carbon monoxide poisoning within the next 6 years.

(We were going to source our data, but that would take a long time.)

1 out of 3 homes will have a medical emergency this year.
(Medical emergencies defined as - "running out of cigarettes at 4:30AM when all the stores are closed.")

38% of assaults and 60% of rapes occur during a home invasion.
(Studies have found that the use of the word "rape" will scare anyone into buying anything).

20 people die by fire in their homes every 24 hours.

(These 20 people represent .0000003% of the 6.5 billion people on the planet whose annual earned salary over ten years could not possible cover the installation cost of owning our alarm system. The point is, most people in the world live in poverty, giving them all the more reason to rob your house of it's valuables.)

1,800 deaths occur each year from carbon monoxide poisoning.

(1,600 of those deaths are suicides or inside coal mines. The rest occur in markets were profit margins are minimal)

Remember, we are a company not here to make money.

We exist soley make sure you are safe from the dangers that rest at the foot of your seemingly secure home.

This has been brought to you buy ACW: selling fear since the collapse of the Berlin wall…

Cash,

The night Ariel Sharon's condition takes a turn for the worse, Lindsey Lohan decides to drop by my freakin' hotel room. I would have kicked her out, but she was red-eyed and bloated and Tel Aviv can be a rough place under these conditions (especially tonight).

From the moment she banged on the door she was hysterical, whimpering on and on about not remembering exactly WHEN or HOW she became a celebrity. I told her the stork story, put a blanket on her and heated up some tomato soup. Shortly after she started acting like a real person again.

Despite Sharon's grave state creating a tense cloud over the city, Lindsey managed to muster some joy over making this month's cover of Vanity Fair. Celebrities are good that way. In the world's darkest hour they can always turn inward to at least find something redeeming about themselves.

Last I checked she slipped off to sleep watching the Rose Bowl.

I told her we'd talk about it all in the morning.

For now.

Love
Mildred.

Once while on amphetamines, Johnny Cash was attacked by an irate ostrich. As a result, he broke several ribs and became addicted to painkillers (again).