Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Just wait til' YOU have kids...

Mary Coldasac is on assignment with me in Galveston to help out with the counter intelligence investigation. In short, the trip has been productive. This morning we found hard evidence that both Rita and Katrina were man made. We were also able to confirm Al Qaeda's role in stealing a weather control device from a Russian lab in Afghanistan back in 1991.

For now, we’re staked out at a near deserted downtown Marriot. They've managed to even keep the kitchen’s open, which really improves the quality of life during the research phase of the investigation.

If there's a sore spot to the assignment, it's been enduring Mary’s comments every morning at breakfast. Nearly everything I say positive about my personal life is reciprocated with the phrase, “well, wait till you have kids.” I’m tempted to lie and say I have kids just to shut her up.

I’ll be flying out tomorrow. Keep me posted on your next assignment.


Monday, September 26, 2005


Okalona falls in love with a telemarketer from India...

Hope you’ve been keeping yer nose clean..
I‘ve been busy tryin’ ta get my bank statements reconciled since the IRS started an investigation into that traveling midget company I started in 2002.

Anyhow, just got off the phone with one of those telephone ladies from Citibank. Her name is Julie and she’s from India. If it’s possible to have love at first talk, then I suppose this be one of those cases. Once we got all the bank business cleared up, Jules and I’s got to talkin' and didn’t quit for almost 7 hours.

Turns out we have lots in common. For one, both of us like cereal. Also, people have a lot of trouble understandin’ us on the phone.

If you’re a high performin’ telemarketer in India, are you eligible to earn a higher class in the next life? Not knowin’ too much about those parts, I started reading up on India, but haven't gotten too far. I knows you did some work a while back in those parts, so I though maybe you’d know. Do you think telemarketers from India only marry other telemarketers from India?

Not to jump the gun, but I think I may be in love.



I think you're refering to the Caste system. The Indian caste system has been in use for many years. Still today the values of the caste system are held strongly. It has kept a sense of order, and peace among the people. There are five different levels of the system: Brahman, Kshatriya, Vaishya, Shudra, and Harijans. Within each of these categories are the actual "castes" or jatis within which people are born, marry, and die. They all have their own place among each other and accept that it is the way to keep society from disintegrating to chaos. This system has worked well for Indian people and still has a major role in modern India.

As to what caste system Julie falls under I have not idea. I’ll do a little research and get back to you. Be careful. After 4 marriages and 3 that involved women getting green cards, the INS might be a bigger headache than any audit you’re going through.


Wednesday, September 21, 2005


Mildred tends to Kate Moss through her lastest ordeal...


Since the cocaine pictures hit, Kate Moss has been sinking into a sleep and sunlight deprived depression.

Monday she called from a pay phone in Culver City, begging me to take care of her. When I found her at the Chateau Marmont in Hollywood Hills, she was locked in the room with the shades drawn, laying in the fetal position listening to cheap remakes of Edith Piaf.

Around 7PM last night I was able to coherence her into an Old Navy sweat suit for a therapeutic walk down Sunset for Sushi. Despite the all you can eat sashimi and a brisk walk around the block, she wouldn’t utter a damn word, all the while refusing to take that stupid IPOD out of her ears.

Paris Hilton stopped by this morning to offer condolences and a basket of scones. To save face, I lied and told her Kate was in the shower. For this, she is grateful.

On my way to LAX last night her mood had improved considerably, even asking if she could appear at a Hurricane Rita benefit in Galveston. I told her the area is evacuated, but maybe next week she could try and muster an appearance (given she’s not too shaky).

Maybe she's a lost cause, but she’s MY lost cause.

I leave for Galveston tonight. Wish me luck.


Wednesday, September 14, 2005


Dazed and confused, Cash wanders the streets of Tokyo...

Still a little depressed and concerned over Andre running back to New Orleans, I went to the Target in Manhattan Beach to browse. Target has a way of making me less depressed for some reason. Something about the way the Music and Electronics section is laid out in all its neon glory tends to stimulate undiscovered endorphins.

Coming out of the parking lot, the last thing I recall is a blow dart to the neck and boom! –32 hours later I’m on the streets of Tokyo smelling like soiled linen from TGI Fridays. Apart for the glitzy promise of consumerism, the only sure fire way to get out of any depressive funk is a good kick to the head (or in my case a blow dart to the neck).

I awoke from my drugged stupor in some back alley right off the main Tokyo drag. Though my wallet was gone, a picture of resigned FEMA director, Michael Brown was sewn into the front pleat of my trousers. What the hell kind of message is that? I can’t for the life of me imagine the connection. Maybe you can call around?

Stumbling the main drag I managed to get to a pay phone and call an old colleague from the KGB. Vlad was kind enough to take me to the hospital for analysis. According to the puzzled doctors no harm done - just a little scar to the back of the neck.. Though I’m feeling a little like George Jefferson’s wife (i.e. Weezy), I can’t complain. Soon as I fill the Vicadin prescription from the hospital I’m out of here. I’ll call you when I’m back in Los Angeles.


Tuesday, September 06, 2005


Mildred becomes baby sitter to the traumatized...


What a weekend.

I flew into to New York on Friday to cheer on Sania Mirza at the US Open. Sadly, Sharapova defeated her in 59 minutes. To make matters worse, around 1AM while throwing back Vodka and Red Bull with Jennifer Capriati at a downtown lesbian bar, Boss calls and summons me to set up shop in Vegas.

From what I gather, the New Orleans Police Department gave every officer a five-day vacation over the next two weeks as the military steps in to replace them. Those who want to go to Las Vegas are being given plane tickets and hotel rooms.

As a result, I’ve been assigned the title of baby sitter for the traumatized. Don’t they get that Elvis died under these conditions? Good god, where did we go wrong?

Morale on the police force is in tatters. About 500 officers - a third of the force - have dropped out of the daily lineup.

Not to be outdone, my sources tell me there's a sleeper cell boondoggle at the MGM until at least Wednesday night. Vegas is one big disaster waiting to happen.

If you need to reach me over the next few weeks, I’ll be at the Bellagio.

Give my best to Andre. Hope Palm Springs was therapeutic.


Friday, September 02, 2005


North American Time...

"Everything we write will be used against us or against those we love.
These are the terms, take them or leave them."
-Adrienne Rich -

Thursday, September 01, 2005


Cash and Andre head West

This morning Andre and I loaded up the trunk with Miller Light and got the hell out of New Orleans. The landscape is starting to resemble our Rwanda assignment back in 98’. Meanwhile, the trigger happy reservist are giving us funny looks and making me nervous.

If that wasn’t enough, Fats Domino is missing…

We’re decided to head west through Texas and hopefully hit El Paso by morning.

It’s just now sinking in that Andre lost everything, so I plan on doing most of the driving until the Miller Light’s gone. I assured him, we’d spend the weekend in Palm Springs and try and lift his spirits.

Keep you posted..


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