Daily Theory on Daily Theory

Hedge Fund manager Johnny McManus is still on the loose after committing armed robbery at a Brooklyn bodega yesterday. McManus was last seen by neighbors leaving his South Hampton home at 4AM for Manhattan on what many experts predicted would be the heaviest trading day of the year. Familiar patrons report seeing McManus sitting alone at Le Cirquec two hours after the opening bell, three martinis deep into lunch grumbling how the market was being controlled by Argentinean mobsters. Half way through martini number 4, La Cirquec maitre de Jean Debois assisted a disheveled McManus into a downtown taxi. Several witnesses outside the Madison Avenue restaurant said McManus was shouting to no one in particular how he had to "get back in the game" before the market closed.

Minutes following the closing bell, the 76th Brooklyn Police Precinct of Redhook was called to investigate a robbery on Atlantic Avenue. A man fitting the description of McManus stormed the convenient store dressed in Brooks Brothers tweed clutching a FAO Schwarz bag and 9mm Glock 17. Witnesses to the robbery report that McManus demanded a bottle of scotch, all the twenties in the register and a diet coke with lemon.

Fund manager and wife of the suspect, Jennifer McManus, was in London at the time of the robbery and advised reporters to direct all questions to either her lawyer or her nanny. Neither could be located for comment.

Kate Winslet, stakes winner in both France and the United States, is apparently in trouble. The 6-1 odds high-strung 4-year-old ran her best race ever in the Yaddo Stakes at Historic Saratoga Racetrack back in August of 2005. Since that time the Philly has been living it up at all hours in public with the likes of Giacomo, Funny Cide and Smarty Jones at questionable haunts near Hollywood Park. Sources close to the Philly say she's recently dropped a noticeable amount of weight and is developing a reputation for excessive partying. While both Keith Urban and Mel Gibson have extended open invitations for the horse to spend New Year's Eve at Betty Ford, Kate Winslet's trainer has not commented where exactly the Philly will be ringing in the New Year.

"Soon after, I returned home to my family, with a determination to bring them as soon as possible to live in Kentucky, which I esteemed a second paradise, at the risk of my life and fortune..."
-Daniel Boone

"...it comes on me from time to time. I also detest it in others. A judge will never forgive a criminal for a crime he is capable of committing himself."
-Norman Mailer-

After a third consecutive 14-hour day, Cash came home to his junk-mail stuffed "pillar box" recently purchased from Travel Mall magazine. Taped to the handle of the mailbox was a business card of one Louie Lowenbrau - Director of Tree Inspection. Hand written on Lowenbrau's card in red were the words, "PALM TREE WILL BE REMOVED"

Before a date, my college roommate
Used to drive his candy-apple red Camaro
Down to the car wash and spend the afternoon
Washing, waxing, vacuuming it,
Detailing the chrome strips, buffing the fenders,
Spraying the big expensive tires
With their raised white lettering

That said something like Intruder
Or Marauder, with a silicone spray
Until they were slick and dark as sex.
He polished that car as if each caress,
Each pass of the chamois, each loving
Stroke of the terry cloth would increase,

By measurable degrees,
The likelihood that in the immaculate
Front seat, with its film of freshly applied
Vinyl cleaner, at the end of a cul-de-sac
Somewhere above the campus,
She would consent to be rubbed
And buffed just as lovingly.

We do what we can,
And if God is no more impressed
By the cathedral at Chartres
Than by a righteously clean and cherry
Camaro, at least He can't say
We haven't tried

With all our might to conceal our fear
That we have little else to offer
Than stained glass or polished chrome,
The elbow grease of our good intentions.

So I'm happy to see
That in the Christmas card photo he sent
Mark stands, balding now,
With a dignified gut, a pretty wife,
And a couple of nice-looking kids, in front
Of the great cathedral
Like the sweet vision of a future
He'd been vouchsafed one day
Long ago, through Turtle Wax
On a gleaming hubcap.

by George Bilgere, from The Good Kiss. © The University of Akron Press.

"One week back in the United States, and I've heard the word Stocking Stuffer 153 times..."

Cash Frock