Tuesday, May 31, 2005


The Plural of Paris is Pari…

Hotel heiress Paris Hilton is engaged to her boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis, her spokesman said Monday. Like all great matches made in heaven, this was love at first site.

The couple literally collided at 3AM in a Milan nightclub after a rather dull evening of low grade cocaine and under appreciated champagne. According to Mickey Rourke who was carrying on with the men's attendant over mouth wash and Jack Dempsey, "Latsis was coming out of the men's bathroom stall, while Hilton was coming in." After their heads collided, both looked up and whimpered, "Hey I'm Paris, you have any more coke?" Suddenly, both smitten love birds cried out simultaneously, "Jinx buy me a coke!"

From this snapshot moment in time, both Paris Latsis and Paris Hilton knew it was true love. And the rest they say, is history…

Friday, May 27, 2005


Cash treads the waters of optomism in search of a real live person


The Verizon Email center finally got back to me about those 3 AM prank phone calls from Afghanistan. Verizon assistant Michelle referred me to a calling center in San Antonio that communicates directly with the CIA. I hope the issue get resolved. I'm tired of paying a phone company to wake me up in the middle of the night.

I must add that Michelle was the best customer service agent I've ever come across in all my years of dealing with the nightmare phone conglomerate. To be honest, at first I thought she was a robot. I even asked her. Here's her response:

Dear Cash Frock,

Thank you for contacting the Verizon Center. My name is Michelle, and I will be handling your request today. This message is in response to your email dated May 26, 2005. You inquired about finding out if I am a human or machine. I will be happy to assist you.

I am a human being and cannot assist you through email with your request. You will need to contact the Business office at the numbers I provided to you in the previous emails. It has been my goal to resolve your reason for contacting us. I hope I have succeeded in meeting that goal. If you have additional questions or if we may be of assistance to you in the future, please let us know. We look forward to serving you.

Thank you for using Verizon. We appreciate your business.

Verizon eCenter

Treading the waters of optimism, I wanted to believe Michelle was a human being. After a little fact -checking from a friend at the Department of Homeland Security, it turns out she was the real deal.

Originally from Tacoma, Michelle escaped the trapping of small-town life for the opportunities of Seattle. It seems Michelle also moved to the Emerald City to escape the ignorance and hatred of her siblings. Her brothers Okalona and Buchuel are currently tied up in an Aryan resistance movment in Idaho.

Yet one thing is still missing in Michelle's life: love. According to sources, Michelle feels she is misunderstood and just wants to share her life with someone.

Regardless, her special talent of responding to customers in grammatically correct sentences, protecting the liability of her company, and all the while providing excellent customer service is unparalleled. She isn't a mere robot mouthpiece for corporate big brother. She has hips (and what hips she had) and lips (and what lips she had) and beautiful skin that doesn't require expensive lotion from over priced department stores. Her IQ is well above the average MENSA dweeb and if it wasn't for the occasional nagging carpal tunnel syndrome and robot like precision, many would claim her the perfect woman.

Though love hasn't happened yet for 23 year old Michelle, there's still plenty of time. Okalona and Buchuel have even let her know it's just a matter of time before she finds that special someone.

Until then, Michelle tends to her studio apartment in Belltown Seattle and works her 50-60 hours a week at Verizon. This weekend is a three-day weekend. And who knows? Maybe she'll meet the man of her dreams…

Hope the fighting is over and your are safe…


Wednesday, May 25, 2005


Mildred finds herself in Haditha...


I was booted from my Hyatt room Monday after 3 weeks of covering the Miss Universe pageant in Bangkok. The whole country seems to be overly sensitive these days. If they didn’t want women in bikinis next to ancient Buddhist temples, the tourism authority of Thailand (TAT) should have said something in advanced. Too little too late is what I say. I know for a fact that Amsterdam would have been thrilled to take the pageant off their hands. Careful what you wish for is the lesson learned here.

I ended up sleeping at the Bangkok airport on Tuesday night. While debating whether to head back to Los Angeles, I got a call from the Boss to head immediately to Haditha, Iraq. What can I say about Haditha you don't already know...

There are no four star Mariotts, it’s hotter than El Paso, and all the TV channels are in French.

To make matters worse, last night nearly 1,000 U.S soldiers surrounded the Euphrates River city, launching the second major anti-insurgent operation in less than a month. God help us all.

To keep my mind of things I started watching a lot of T.V. The French seemed to be obsessed with Charmed and some show called “Le Clown.” –a highly entertaining, high concept piece of television.

The premise of Le Clown is essentially Remington Steel, with more explosives and a grittier story line. When our hero, Le Clown intercepts the German bad guys he puts on a clown mask (not unlike Clark Kent when he transforms into Superman). Usually a child will witness Le Clown foiling the villain and will whimper something like, “Look Mommy…it’s Le Clown.” As Le Clown transforms quickly back into a German Mel Gibson look-alike, the parent will then assure a random stranger that the child is delusional.

All for now. I'm off to visit my next-door neighbor Dorian who I've discovered used to be with Doctors without Borders. When DWB pulled out of Iraq last year, he stayed put and has been drinking greyhounds and bourbon ever since.

Keeping my fingers crossed this seige will be over soon...


If you think of it, please put a vote in for Bo Bice for tonight’s American Idol. The text message feature on my cell phone doesn’t seem to be working….

Thursday, May 19, 2005


In case anyone blocked this out or simply didn't realize what this man was capable of...

In the spirit of Megan's law, people have a right to know what is being committed right in their own back yards. Mr. Mathews, we will not forget what you did. Though the public's memory is short, let us not forget.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005


CDC Expert sees no near term solution to global Capri Pants outbreak

A study released by the Center for Disease Control (CDC) today warns that the outbreak of Capri Pants has reached epidemic proportions.

Indeed, the societal domination of capri pants has reached oppressive levels. Capris, and their insidious relatives clam diggers, now comprise 98.5 percent of the women's trouser market. In nearly every mall from Beverly Hills to Tuscumbia Alabama, shoppers are blinded by the glare of bare mannequin ankles and are left to wonder, “when will the madness stop?”

Expert, Cash Frock from the CDC says there is no end in sight. “We will continue to seek out this perversity disguised as fashion until the countries of the world are willing to stand up and declare that this is a real problem, effecting all of us.”

For those unaware of what Capri pants look like…


Friday, May 13, 2005


Indiana man who made up Space Shuttle Jokes is finally apprehended and brought to justice…

On January 28, 1986 America was shocked by the destruction of the space shuttle Challenger, and the death of its seven-crew members. Nearly two decades after this national tragedy, FBI agents have finally apprehended the individual connected in disseminating space shuttle jokes to the general public.

Cash Frock was appended in a New Albany, Indiana court room today after a FBI sting raid led to the discover of countless dairy entries made by the accused on the day of the tragedy. Experts anticipate the introduction of additional evidence next week, which will show phone records, and thousands of letters mailed all over the world by the joke culprit.

Frock is currently out on $1,000,000 bail and is expected back in court next week. More details to follow.

Among the jokes FBI confiscated from Frock’s shabby one bedroom apartment (which rest atop a furniture showroom in downtown New Albany, Indiana) include:

Q: Did you know that Christa McAuliffe was blue eyed?
A: One blew left and one blew right.
Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words?
A: "What's this button do?"
Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words to her husband?
A: "You feed the kids - I'll feed the fish."
Q: What was the Shuttle's last transmission?
A: "I said BUD LITE!"
Q: What does NASA stand for?
A1: Need Another Seven Astronauts
Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?
A: Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't
get 7-UP.
Q: What do Playtex tampon users and Christa McAuliffe have in common?
A: They both should have stayed on the pad.
Q: What does a sea lion, the space shuttle and Tylenol have in common?
A: They're all looking for a tight seal.
Q: How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagen?
A: Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray.
Q: On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to
be a naval officer?
A: So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, they'll
have a rated officer onboard.
Q: What do Christa McAuliffe and Donna Rice have in common.
A: They both went down on the challenger.
Q: Did you hear that they are sending up another teacher on the next
shuttle mission?
A: She's going to be a substitute.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005


PR stunt backfires as disoriented Jimmy Page puts hex on Wall Street…

Warner Music Group Corp.(ticker WMG), heavily criticized for its initial public offering plans, saw its stock price fall Wednesday on the first day of trading on the New York Stock Exchange. WMG attempted to generate excitement for the IPO by having Led Zeppelin's Jimmy Page play ''Whole Lotta Love'' for the traders and guests as the opening bell rang at the NYSE. However things turned ugly quick…

Unknown to WMG, Page decided to show up in his “1977 Nazi storm trooper smacked Out On Heroin ” costume while casting Aleister Crowley like spells on traders as the market kicked into it’s first hour of trading. Eventually Page was escorted out by a mob of angry mariachi players and several CNN news analyst.

The market ended slightly higher for the day, leaving some to speculate if Page’s spells were working. Warner Music Group wasn’t so lucky, ending slightly down for the day at $16.60.

Monday, May 09, 2005


Giacomo wins the 131st Kentucky Derby...

When you combine 10 straight hours of Bourbon drinking, a California Horse named after Sting’s kid, and too many eyes looking to New York City for all the answers, Horse Racing experts everywhere were bound to stumble out of bed Sunday morning wondering what happened.

Fifty-to-one long shot Giacomo won the 131st Kentucky Derby, resulting in the second biggest payout in Derby history.

The payouts are as follows:

Horse Win Place Show

Giacomo $102.60 $45.80 $19.80

Closing Argument $70.00 $24.80

Afleet Alex $4.60

Highest payoffs for Kentucky Derby Winners since $2 mutuel bets began in 1911:

Donerail 1913 $184.90

Giacomo 2005 $102.60

Gallahadian 1940 $72.40

Charismatic 1999 $64.60

Proud Clarion 1967 $62.20

Exterminator 1918 $61.20

Dark Star 1953 $51.80

Thunder Gulch 1995 $51.00

Gato Del Sol 1982 $44.40

Bold Venture 1936 $43.00

War Emblem 2002 $43.00

Friday, May 06, 2005


Run for the Roses...

The postpositions for the 131st running of the Kentucky Derby:

1 Sort It Out |
2 Andromeda's Hero
3 Sun King
4 Noble Causeway
5 Coin Silver
6 High Limit
7 Flower Alley
8 Greater Good
9 Greeley's Galaxy
10 Giacomo
11 High Fly
12 Afleet Alex
13 Spanish Chestnut
14 Wilko
15 Bandini
16 Bellamy Road
17 Don't Get Mad
18 Closing Argument
19 Going Wild
20 Buzzards Bay

Thursday, May 05, 2005


Pat O Brian wins Mustache Cage match with Dr. Phil as Runaway Bride signs reality show deal with Fox

Television Update:

The Mustache Cage Match between Pat O’Brian and Dr. Phil last night on CBS reached a decision after 15 rounds. Late in round 13 Phil’s mustache simply ran out of steam. A cloud of controversy still remains around whether Pat O’Brian’s mustache used performance-enhancing drugs. A final determination is expected later in the week as O'Brain's mustache undergoes drug testing.

Asumming all legal troubles are behind them, Runaway Bride, Jennifer Wilbanks and groom in waiting John Mason have signed an agreement with FOX television for a new reality show this summer. The couple will go head to head against Britany Spears and Kevin Federline’s new show “Britany and Kevin" slated to air on UPN next week.

In other TV secrets revealed...

The season finale of ABC's American Idol will reveal NBC’s Donald Trump to announce the much anitpated winner. Instead of proclaiming a a winner, tycoon Trump will instead aproach the panel of the judges and announce in the face of Ms. Abdul: "Paula...you're fired!." Stay tuned...

Wednesday, May 04, 2005


Abandoning Indians in the Mohabi can only lead to trouble...


I know you said not to mention it if I was checking out Wilco or My Morning Jacket, but I can’t resist after what happened 10 days ago.

Long story short, I saw both bands together in Coachella California. The Coachella area is just deep enough into the Desert to be considered wilderness, and close enough to LA to warrant a 4 hour car ride into the South East interior of the state. An offshoot of highway 111, Coachella (along with Mecca and Thermal) is actually an extension of Palm Springs. In ten years, there will be a large wind powered swimming pool connecting the two towns. Anyhow, that was the setting and it wasn't the infamous Coachella Music Festival. Wilco and My Morning Jacket were playing in Coachella's downtown square at 5AM to migrant and Indian farmers waiting to be picked up to go work in the Fruit and Vegetable orchards that spread across the Inland Empire into much of Riverside county. Presumably these rock star thought it would be a noble gesture to blare their Marshall stacks before sunrise. Needless to say with any noise at 5AM, the Indians (not to mention the rest of the reservation) were pissed. Realizing they had pissed off actual Native Americans in the desert, My Morning Jacket started to cry (the entire band!).

Wilco was less forgiving. After their third song (this was 5:30 in the AM mind you), the natives got restless and demanded be taken to the nearest liquor store and proceed to the Trump Casino or torch the whole thing.. Wilco gave in, emptied out all their equipment and proceeded to cram everyone like sardines into the roadie van. They sped into the desert and I never saw them again.

I had other important business to attend to and quickly forgot about the entire incident until two night ago when local TV news flashed a story about Native Americans discovered by border patrol in the middle of the Mohabi Desert . One witness claimed to have survived on chewing tobacco and Capri Sun Juice packs for 9 days. Pretty amazing.

I’m sure you’re wondering what the hell I was doing out there in the first place. All I can tell you is that is was a complete coincidence. My pilgrimage to Coachella that particular morning involved large quantities of Sudafed, stolen IPODS from a Circuit City in Banning, and a Phillipino with blonde highlights named Rosa.

Word to the wise, if you’re thinking about a positive PR move, don’t abandon Indians in the Mohabi Desert. It only leads to trouble.

Anyhow, hope you are well. Keep me posted on stuff…

Cash Frock..

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