Daily Theory on Daily Theory

Tuesday afternoon I saw George Harrison at a Buena Park German Diner reading a New York Post. I thought "Where on earth did he manage to find a New York Post out in Buena Park anyway?

Wednesday evening, Spalding Grey was hanging out at the NBA wives library, reading a book on Harry Houdini.

Thursday night I saw an alcoholic Dorothy Allison at a West Hollywood Diner. It was raining cats and dogs outside that night. She was on the outdoor terrace sipping a greyhound with her French onion soup and reading a biography of Woodrow Wilson.

"The first rule of Nanny Cam: You don't talk about Nanny Cam….The second rule of Nanny Cam: You don't talk about Nanny Cam.."
- Mildred-

A word from our sponsors..

Hi blog surfers. Let me take a small moment of your time to introduce myself. I'm the letter Q. I live on page 91 of an unabridged Jane Austin novella in the basement of the downtown Canton Ohio library.

The only way my life will officially expire is rather daunting. I must be looked up and read by card-carrying library patrons 47 times. So far, I've been read seven (7) times and stuck in this freakin' excuse for a cultural institution since 1957.

But I've lived a full life. I persevered through the cold war, JFK and the Cuban missile crisis. I've lived through Olive Stone movies about the cold war, JFK and the Cuban Missile Crisis. I've lived through black and white TV, plasma TV and cable TV (Not to mention Satellite). Please don't idly stand by and watch my nemesis, the television, prevent me from going quiet into the gentle night. Please help me…I'm the letter Q..I live on page 91. It's Emma. The one with the coffee ring on the front. Read me why don't ya. Give me a freakin' chance. Jane Austin's really not that bad. Canton Ohio's really not that bad either. Stop by some time.

Mildred,
Had the strangest dream. Maybe it was the 25 inches of snow we got last night. Maybe it was flipping through People magazine at the tanning salon the other day. Regardless:

It's 2038 and an elderly Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston Pitt continue to brave their rocky marriage. In their rocking chairs, huddled around an "FDR Internet Campfire computer," they listen in real time to World War III taking place. Then a news flash: Al Qaeda has just invaded Connecticut!

Snowed in and loving it...

Cash

Once only essential for Beverly Hills pill-popping alcoholic movie star Moms from the 1970s, Nanny's have become the ideal parenting model for 21-century modern living. It is not enough to have a day care. It is not enough that the mother only works part time. Today, it is imperative that the child be left with an underpaid and socially under represented Nanny.

Ten cool things about a Nanny:

• Without a Nanny odds increase that your child will self-destruct before social security benefits kick in.

• If the kid gets into Yale, he or she will have trouble relating to all their peers who were raised by a nanny. They will quickly default to the status of outcast and drop out by second semester. Most turn to Oxy Codeine.

• The Nanny is like a private company that focuses on the bottom line efficiency of the child. The mere parent is a public company, always having to reacting to the ridiculous concerns of their kids. The Nanny has no shareholders.

• Without a Nanny, kids are merely repeating the failing of their parents.

• Nanny's don't divorce. The worst thing that can happen is that the Nanny dies or the parents just simply run out of money to pay for the Nanny.

• Nanny Cam! The opportunity for parents to pop open a cocktail from the mini-bar of a Hyatt resort on another continent, sink into the Japanese modern living lazy boy and via satellite-feed, voyeur their kid being raised by a total stranger. !

• Nanny's speak with a foreign accent.

• Nanny's are often illegal and can be paid under the table.

• Unlike a mere Babysitter, a Nanny can live in the home, which prevents a lot of driving around for the parent.

• A Nanny that does live off site often lives in the Nanny District. The Nanny District is often located near highways, 24 hour drugstores and schools.

I ran into John McCain at Dulles airport on Friday night. It was after midnight and he was wore a blue tie with what I like to call the immaculately pressed "Blend in Senator Suit." Looking around the crammed vehicle that shuttled us from Main terminal to baggage claim, no one seemed to even blink an eye. Maybe it was late and everyone was tired and miserable and wanted to get home to their families. Maybe no one knew what the hell John McCain looked like.

John was humble in size compared to the ideals that were often projected onto his face. His tobacco chaw mouth was just as it looked on TV, but smaller than I imagined. Given his prison of war status I envisioned Rambo muscles bulging out of his suit. If you hadn't seen him on every talking heads Sunday morning news show for the last eight years, you might think he was just in DC on business from New York. Never Arizona. He was presidential.

I suspect a third theory to the indifference: People in DC are immune to electoral and public service celebrity. This is the exact opposite of LA where you could be sitting around a café in Venice (or a laundry mat in Hacienda Heights for that matter) and some child actor from Mr Belvedere gets mobbed for autographs.

I decided that despite standing next to one of the most notable senators of this generation, people were more pre-occupied with beltway traffic and which Nanny will be picking up their kid for t-ball practice tomorrow.

Regardless of the reason for all this indifference, I was just as guilty. I wanted to mention that my father was Vietnam vet and would be honored to know that his son was able to meet a prisoner of war survivor. But, did my Dad really like John McCain THAT much?

Also, was it still appropriate to shake the hand of a senator? Maybe only WWII veterans and UAW workers from OHIO shake the hands of senators. Maybe you have to be on an official campaign trail. Maybe he's like Donald Trump and has a phobia of germs.

I began looking around for body guards. I pictured myself trying to shake his hand and getting attacked and thrown to the ground. Maybe the bodyguards had tasers and I would be electrocuted. What a way to ruin your weekend.

Regardless, John McCain was submerged in the throws of conversation with some side kick advisor (less the senator suit) and I would be interrupting. I left my excuse at that. It's a lame excuse but I suppose it's just as lame as taking over a country in the name of weapons of mass destruction. Two wrongs don't make a right. That's what I learned from this whole brush with greatness.

I should have interrupted him and at least said, "Air travel's a bitch ain't it?"

There's always next time..

Rex,
Good news as I write you from my over night stint in jail!

Apple's net income for the 4th quarter of 2004 was up nearly 75%. The Wall Street Journal touts an "unprecedented" increase. If you look merely at net income and percentages this could easily be true. Math is funny like that. But success of a company can be measured in many ways. Sometimes it's a reduction in expenses. Sometimes it’s a reduction in debt. Sometimes it's an increase in revenue. All measurements have their flaws. Rene Descarte would
be disappointed.

But for the colors don't run USA, the big measurement is net income (ie-the bottom line). Profit is what makes the papers. Debt can be high but if you can pull if off your profit and loss statement for the year, you gots yourself both a winner and a year end bonus for the Public relations CEO in charge. Thank god for private companies. Answering to share holders can be a royal pain in the ass. Shareholders are like those adopted parents you have to at least tell "I'm going to the movies with my friends." In reality, you're on the 110 Freeway pumped up on Makers Mark, medicinal marijuana and a half bottle of some cancer patient's Oxycodine. True be told, your Company can still be a multi-car crash pile-up waiting to happened. That's the situation of this so called "Company" I work for.

Ps.
Never date a single mom named after an alcoholic beverage. It's only asking for trouble.
With affection,

Cash Frock
LA County Jail.

Rex,

I've returned to the Holiday Inn Resort in Sanya China to await my new assignment. At 10 AM everyday I order room service massages from an Indonesian pool boy named Habeam who does an excellent job on my neck. Though Indonesian, Habeam's family lives in Bali, and were not effected by the disaster. Given the weather in California, it might be a few more weeks before I arrive.

While Habeam was doing my lower back this morning I had a thought..When did the "Toyota-Thon" become a word? I'm guessing around 1986...

Stay dry ...

Mildred.

Mildred,

After the Tsunami I quickly returned to The Hermosa Hotel Bar to take refuge from the turn of world events in December.

Then yesterday, I stumbled back to my compound in Culver City to watch the rain continue to fall. I wonder if this is how Phil Spector feels sitting around his house on bail?

From your letter it sounds like Cash has returned to LA.

To be safe, I ordered a home alarm system. For just a dollar a day I get 15 door and window contacts, a pet-immune motion detector, designer LCP Backlit keypad, panic buttons AND hostage feature.

Happiness is a warm security system,
Rex

Mildred,

In my first week, I ended up blowing my entire month's expense account on Inglewood strippers and over-priced Champagne. Though I suspect it was sparkling wine and my boss continues to write my name in pencil, it was worth it.

If I'm going to budget for missile defense weapons, I need to bond with my co-workers sooner rather than later. Hell, even two females were cohered into going out with us. Incredibly by the grace of god, no one was arrested.

What can I say. It pays the taxes for now and it appears that at least half my office mates tolerate me to my face. The other half suspect I work for the CIA given my ability to take them out and blow large amounts of money.

Little do they know. Look forward to your seeing you soon…

Cash..

• An over-served lame and skinny twerp from Okalona sucker punches for Jesus while holding a cylinder of pool cues

• Two for One lap dances at De Ja Vu every time a touch down is scored during Monday night Football

• Stocking Stuffers specifically. Stocking Stuffers in general. (Regardless they are ideal for the holidays. I got a new microwave oven on lay-away from Circuit City and was told by the clerk that it would make a great stocking stuffer)

• Party Favors at the Executive West Airport Hotel with 60's cover band - Sumatra

• Party Favors at the Executive East Airport Hotel with Three Dog Night Cover Band - Caribu

• At home around the fire on New Year's Eve but fully equiped with enough liquor to drown a Tsunami, Southern Bleach-blonde, fake boobed yet still padded thirty-somethings sit around listening to celebrities wish Dick Clark a speedy recovery while playing strip poker.

• The Football Coach's last name is Petrino. The Basketball Coach's last name is Patino. Coincidence? Tune in to "Terry Minors the conspiracy theorist" at Midnight each night on 84 WHAS to explain

• The word: Kentuckiana

• 150,000 dead in Asia. Top local news story? "Does Petrino leave for LSU?" Second story: "Weather Watch 2004." Third story: "Tsunami and its effect on Kentuckiana"

• The phrase, "So what you doing for Thunder this year?"

• The phrase, "what did you do for Thunder last year?"