Daily Theory on Daily Theory

Cash recently took a syndicate job touting "Dear Cash" from his Brooklyn apartment. To date, the column only runs in Coachella Valley's Daily Breeze.

Tuesday, December 20, 2004

Cash,

Last week, my boyfriend of 8 months, "Jake" announced he had something very "serious" to discuss.

Over a romantic all-you-can eat shrimp dinner at Sizzler, Jake revealed that for some reason, almost all his relationships with women have ended in some sort of violence. According to Jake, I'm the first woman he's never hit. In between the salad bar and waiting for our entrée he confessed, "you're not in love until you've been slapped."

I don't know what to think. Should I leave him?

Confused in Coachella…


Dear Coachella,

People generally get the rulers they deserve, but your letter takes the cake. You deserve to be slapped if you stay with this guy. Got it?

You remind me of a certain 1998 Jerry Springer episode (aired 4/18/98) where Jared, a Pep Boys manager, tells Doris on stage:

"Why don't you just leave?"

"Cause I love him," yelps Doris.

I hate to play the role of a Pep Boys manager but here's the ultimatum I'll throw back at you:

If he takes you to Sizzler again, it's time to move on.

Cash

Mildred,

I‘m not sure how you interpret the book of Revelations, but a very reliable source at the Vatican indicated that whoever is chosen on Trump’s The Apprentice Third Season will be the anti-Christ.

I know that the Bible is open to interpretation. (Charles Manson made that clear), but all signs are pointing to the last days.

Particularly disconcerting is that the third season has already been filmed. Have you heard any of this in your line of work? (I guess Poison Man is taking up a lot of your time huh?)

Wondering if I should stock up on emergency disaster supplies…

Cash Frock

Mildred,

First it was Arafat...

then the dude that killed Dimebag..

and now...

Ukrainian presidential candidate Viktor Yushchenko!?!

Poison Man is on the loose...

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story2&u=/041213/photos_hl_afp/041213180015_z84tghwo_photo0&e=9

At least Ms. USA was saved.

Before I made it for a drink at the Furama Hotel last night, an older church dressed black woman collapsed in the front lobby. When I finally shooved my way inside, Luigi the bartender was serving the Westchester coke-heads their candy. Getting a bourbon on the rocks was like trying to arguing the firing of Tyrone Willingham to a room of Irish Catholics from South Bend.

From the front bar I could see the black church lady being hauled off in an EMS truck. To make matters worse, I headed to the back bar to drown out the thought that Poison Man was on his way to L.A.

The back bar was a tame crowd consisting mostly of:

The local bartenders coming and going off their shifts

Call girls on their blackberries monitoring craigslist ads

Union hotel workers on "Break"

Thinly disguised airline pilots "getting their drink on..."

Singapore airline stewards drunk in full uniform

Marginally famous Detroit Motown singers from the mid 1970s.

Long story short, I got in a little "situation" which I'm still trying to get out of.

I won't bother you with the details.

Is Poison Man going to ruin our New Year's Eve rendezvous?

Concerned in LA County Jail...

Rex

Rex,

I don't know what you've heard from Cash, but I want to make it perfectly clear:

I did not poison Arafat!

As a woman, it's nearly impossible to get past Arafat's bodyguards and advisors. Poison man had no problem and from the intelligence I have gathered, has switched locations once again. If anything, I failed to save him. For that I am still drinking.

On a positive note, last week I saved Miss USA from a poisoned dish of dim sum fried shrimp. Though Poison Man had no problem "passing" as a Chinese Communist Beauty Pageant official here in Sanya, Miss USA is still alive. (did I mention she got third place?) Unfortunately, I couldn't capture the Poison Man bastard. My orders were only "preventative."

I'm sad after reading the London Times this morning about what happened in Columbus, Ohio during the Damageplan concert. I can say that Poison Man prompted the killing spree. But that's all I can reveal at this point. I fear he's still in the U.S. and coming your way. Though he's due a trip to Culver City, Poison Man hasn't been West of the Mississippi since the Tupac shooting in Vegas.

Other sources indicate he's headed for Croatia. I have my doubts...

I'll give you more intelligence once I clear it with the boss. Because of what transpired I might make a quick stay of it in Sanya and join you before the New Year.

Promise this my dear Rex - We stay at the Forama Hotel at least one night?

Counting the days,

Mildred.,

Dimebag Trivia...
Dimebag was killed exactly 24 years to the night after the shooting of John Lennon on the Upper West Side of New York.

As if the world wasn't perverse enough...
Federal regulators plan next week to begin considering rules that would end the official ban on cellphone use on commercial flights. If the ban is lifted, one of the last cocoons of relative social silence would disappear, forcing strangers to work out the rough etiquette of involuntary eavesdropping in a confined space.

On a related note....
Nextel and Sprint are in merger talks. Combined, it would create the third largest cell phone company in the United States.

Rumor of the day:
Karl Malone MIGHT go to the Knicks.

James Brown and his Prostate...
Today James Brown announced he has prostate cancer.
Is there an older man in the public eye that hasn't been diagnosed with prostate cancer?

Prostate Cancer survivors who choose surgery:
Joe Torre,
Richard Mueller (FBI Director),
John Kerry,
Colin Powell (upon Bush's permission),
Bob Dole

Prostate Cancer Survivors who choose Radiation:
Rudy Gulliani
Nelson Mandella
Charlton Heston
Rupert Murdoch

Those who were diagnosed too late:
Frank Zappa
Timothy Leary
Bill Bixby
Telly Savallas
Linus Pauling (2 time noble prize winning scientist.)

Mildred

As you may or may not know, the strip club market in LA is officially over saturated. Yesterday I saw an ad that read:

"Electric Dream Boat: 30% longer couch dances on Sundays with coupon."

My curiosity got the best of me. After a few rum and cokes at Apple Bees, I stumbled across the street to the Electric Dream Boat to quantify the suspicious 30% couch figure. From the moment I walked in (it was Century City so no surprise here) money began floating out of my pocket. Within twenty minutes, the bouncer rejected my coupon, I was knocked up for a $30 dollar cruise ship drink, and Amber the stripper "lost" my debit card. Going to an Apple Bees before a strip club in Century City is just asking for it.

Are there strip clubs in China? How's the hotel? Look forward to seeing you in LA. Have you heard from Cash?

Rex.

Cash,

During Arafat's funeral, Rex wrote and told me you were alive. As you know, Rex recently purchased a home in Los Angeles. As a result, he frequently host "poker nights" and invites quite a few friends - and friend of friends. Since Rex is technically unemployed, he's instituted a new policy for Texas Hold Em': Everyone must donate a percentage of their winnings to the house. This has offended quite a few players.

Many have offered to bring snacks, drinks, drugs, etc., but the donation rule stands and is very much in effect. I was shocked when Rex asked me for money last time I was in town. How can we confront him without coming off rude?

I hope your Brooklyn apartment is treating you well. I'm eager to hear about the projects coming down the pipeline.

All my love from Communist China. (and don't let anyone tell you differently)

Mildred.

Rex,

I hope this letter reaches you. They still check the mail in these parts. Thanks for the updates and so sorry to hear about Cash. The comparison to Orson Wells was sadly fitting.

After my assignment at Arafat's funereal, I was commissioned by an anonymous source to cover the Miss World Pageant in Sanya China (strictly a P.R. gig). To everyone's surprise, Miss Peru pulled it off over the Dominican Republic while Miss United States finished a respectable third. Don't get me started on the political undertones.

Covering a world beauty pageant on an island off the coast of China, I started thinking how the act of appearing virile ends up appearing over done and ambitious. For example, how can Mexicans pull off a mustache and appear completely normal, while a white guy ends up looking like either a pedophile from any town USA, a used car salesmen from Milwaukee, or a middle management Minneapolis insurance agent?

Long story short (and case and point): I think I'm going to stay here for my Christmas vacation and ring in the New Year in L.A. Will you be around?

If you need to write me going forward here's the address:

Holiday Inn Resort Yalong Bay Sanya
Yalong Bay National Resort District
Sanya 572000 China

More detail once I get myself settled.

Mildred

"It's December 2nd and I'm already writing 2005 on all my checks."
-Cash Frock-


We Break from the life of Cash Frock to bring you:

You know it's time to wrap up a dinner party when:

1. The conversation shifts to how many megapixels is in your digital camera..
2. Any mention of an article in the New York Times Art section..
3. Someone gloating over "this great little Indian restaurant just off Wilshire"
4. You are swapping alternative routes to popular driving destinations.
5. George Bush
6. Christopher Reeves
7. Did I mention George Bush?
8. Any allusion to how TIVO transformed your life
9. Comparing the "old" Katie Curic to the "new" Katie Curic
10 Where you were on 911.